This morning Jamesie came bounding into my room at 6:00 am. Thankfully he was content with watching cartoons until I could make myself get up. But such an early morning demanded a mandatory nap time for everyone in the house...mainly me. James spent several minutes trying to kick his way out of his bedroom but finally fell asleep. (We put one of those door knob things on the inside so he can't sneak out). When I woke up I looked on the monitor to see him and he wasn't in his bed. I went down the hall and looked under the door. Not there. I started to freak out. I went in his room and nothing. No Jamesie.
Not behind the door.
Not in the bed.
Not under the bed. Not in either closet. Nowhere!
To be honest...I was in a panic. I flung back the curtains to check the windows...and...
...there he was!
And then I gave him a sucker because I was really glad he didn't jump out of the windows.
And then some Pringles and an apple because I was glad he hadn't disappeared. He held them like a monkey. He's weird.
Tonight he decided he wanted to get in the bath with Jude. This is the first time I've allowed that.
Jude put up with James water-boarding him the entire time...
All I know is that one of these days.....Jude is going to put him in his place.
To be honest...I was in a panic. I flung back the curtains to check the windows...and...
And then I gave him a sucker because I was really glad he didn't jump out of the windows.
I can't wait.
Get a load of all of this boundless little boy energy. This is pretty much all day long. And Jude has started singing along with James which is extra loud.
And onto some serious (and lengthy) business...
Throughout this whole cancer thing we’ve been dealing with lately, I’ve learned several things. Some bad but mostly good. The Lord has been so abundantly good to us and shown us how much He loves us and provides for us in our darkest hours but also in the day-to-day. One of the things that means the most to us (and I know I’ve mentioned this several times before) is when people tell us they are praying for us. Just today my next door neighbor popped in to tell me that she and her church are still praying for Jude. Nothing means more than that. The unexpected but always timely emails, or phone calls, or cards are such a blessing too. The Lord always prompts someone’s heart to reach out to us just when we need it so much. On days that are so difficult or especially taxing (such as yesterday), the Lord provides James with an especially charming and compliant attitude which helps me so much.
But one of the things that weighs so heavily on my heart is about friendships. I can’t tell you how much I’ve learned and how much I realize that I’ve failed in the past in this area. I’ve debated posting anything about this for a long time because it is so personal. I have an extremely close relationship with my Mom and sisters which provides a lot of the friendship needs I have. Plus…I’ve been deeply, deeply hurt and betrayed by people I considered “best friends” in the past. Who hasn’t, right? Most of us. So when I invest in a deep friendship (not just the run of the mill, everyday, hang out every now and then sort of friendship), it means something to me. And perhaps I am more closed off than I should be to people…I admit…I am a total homebody. Soooo…all of this by way of saying…when you find yourself in the midst of a crisis…you really do find out who your “real” friends are. The friends that you go to for prayer, for help, for venting, for crying, for laughing. The friends that are really in it for the nitty gritty. What a blessing to find such people in your life!
But here’s the deal. When I cancel or reschedule plans with you, please don’t take it personally. For example…this week I spent 4 of the 5 days at doctors and the hospital. That was totally unplanned…but that is my life now. I can’t make plans 3 weeks in advance because I never know what each day will bring when I wake up. Heck…I can barely make plans 1 hour in advance. If I don’t return your call or text…it is not personal. It’s probably because I forgot because my mind is on other things right now…like my child having cancer. If this offends you…I pray you never have to find out what it is like on this side of things. If you have extended me grace during these times…THANK YOU!!!!!! This may sound incomprehensible, but it is hard for me to be away from home because I am scared I will miss a call from a doctor or lab or hospital. Sometimes our lives hang on the news that we will get from those phone calls.
Right now is not the time in my life that I will be cultivating and nurturing friendships a whole lot. Right now is my time to focus on my family. If I have to work at a friendship…it probably is not going to happen. I’m sorry. Really, I am. I would love to be all things to all people but none of us can be that. The people in my life that have not even questioned that for one second are beyond precious to me and I love you so much! Really. And to those who have gotten offended or said ugly things about my friendship skills (or lack thereof)...you are probably just going to have to get over it. Sorry bout ya.
Let me tell you some of the best things I have heard lately. The other day Karin told me that when she emails me she never expects an answer because she knows I am busy right now. She said that even when she leaves me messages and I don’t call her back she doesn’t care. She just understands. Wow! Thank you! She really does get it! That is real friendship and love. Ok…well…she’s family but still…you know what I mean. Carrie and Christi have said the same things…when they are in town or on the phone they let me just gripe and whine and complain. (Don’t I sound totally awesome right now? Why would anyone want to be friends with me?!?!?!) They don’t expect me to be Mary Sunshine all the time. Since my Dad also has cancer, he totally gets it. Probably more now that Jude has cancer than ever before. He knows how to pray specifically for just the right things. He’s so strong. He’s strong for me. My Mom…where do I begin? She can just sense when I am in a funk and calls. I can just think about calling her and my phone will ring and it’s her. There really is no friendship like a Mommy. I don’t have to explain everything I’m thinking or feeling…she just gets it. Sometimes she will say that she just wishes she could reach through the phone and hug me and then sometimes she will pop over and do just that! She can just hear my voice and know what is going on. {I read this quote on another blog and this seems to be a good place for it..."No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you, after all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside." -Unknown} And I guess all of this goes without saying that Bradley is more than I even dreamed he could be. He has blown me away with his strength and love for this family. What a man! There is no one closer to this situation with me than he is. I’ve said it before, but he is the only other person that loves Jude as much as I do and knowing that we are in this together has brought us even closer than we were. Talk about a best friend!
And then there are friends who have shown themselves to be MORE than I ever imagined through all of this. People that I didn’t even know before that I now consider TRUE friends. People that I knew on a surface level that are now so very dear to me. Neighbors that have reached out and become family to us. Only the Lord could do these things. He loves us so personally that He provides for all of our needs. Even the ones we didn’t know we had. And when there are those hurtful times or those empty spaces where someone disappoints or isn’t all that we thought they were…He fills in the gaps. Perfectly.
Are we weak and heavy laden,
cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He'll take and shield
thee;
thou wilt find a solace there.
Joseph M. Scriven, 1820-1886
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Love ya