Strong-Willed

It's been awhile.  I don't usually go this long without posting.  Sometimes when things are going on in my life that are challenging it's a comfort to be able to write about it.  And sometimes I feel like all I can do is hunker down until the storm passes and pray to survive it.  The past few weeks have been like that.  Nothing terrible but just challenging. 

I have one very compliant child.  Nothing in this world brings him more joy than to please me and be recognized for that.  The slightest look of dissatisfaction on my face will bring him to tears.  He is easily correctable.  He loves to learn, help, work, laugh, sing, dance, pray, and make others happy.  He's intensely sensitive and compassionate.  He is keenly aware of what is going on and what others are feeling.  He bears the weight of things he ought not.  Things affect him deeply and he does not easily or quickly forget.

I have one potentially strong-willed child.  The jury is still out on her.  Not sure which way she will go but it's looking like there is a strong possibility that she has every intention of giving us a run for our money.  Time will tell.  Sure she looks innocent enough but I'm onto her.

 

 

And then I have one very, VERY, strong-willed child.  Very.  I fiercely love each of my children and will fight to the death for them.  This child has his own battles to fight and I just pray I know how to help him.  His words are limited and I see the frustration brewing then erupting like a volcano of emotion and anger at his inability to express himself and my inability to understand.  I feel powerless and unable to help him through these times.  All I can do is throw myself at the foot of the cross and beg God to give me an understanding and to make me the mother he needs me to be for him.

His current battle is one that truly baffles me.  I just flat out cannot comprehend why he is struggling with this particular issue.  I've tried all my tricks...diverting his attention, reasoning with him, helping him, praying with him, praying for him.  For the past two weeks I've listened to him screaming, throwing tantrums, furious, almost in agony over this issue and I feel like all I've done is stand idly by, unable to help.  Today was better.  I don't think he mentioned the issue once.  What a blessed break.

He's strong-willed in every way.  He seems to almost always have a bone to pick with someone.  He's always ready to fight.  But I saw something tonight.  Actually my friend Lindsay casually pointed it out to me but it gave me a great insight into my boy.  Although he seems to always be ready to fight he is also ready to fight to protect or defend someone he loves.  The Beans came to town today and tonight we were all hanging out while the kids played.  The boys were playing with a nerf gun and James got "shot" with one of the foam bullets.  That started a nerf gun battle...oddly between Brad and I...where I shot him several times.  He finally decided to get me back and I put up a pillow to defend myself.   My little fighter jumped up from where he had been sitting reading a book with Lindsay and threw himself in front of the gun and said several times, "NO!  Shoot me!"  I don't know that I would've thought too much about it until Lindsay said, "Aww...he doesn't want you to get shot."

When I was reflecting on this little, seemingly insignificant exchange later, it helped me realize that this strong-will can be molded into a great asset.  This trait that has brought me to tears every single day for the past two weeks could be the very trait that the Lord has given him to take him to great heights.  That, if I allow the Lord to help me parent this child accordingly, this strong-will can be used for His glory.

This past month has left me feeling exhausted, depleted, and like a total failure as a mother.  I recently heard a woman describe this same feeling as being a business owner.  And you've invested everything you have into this business and it is failing.  That example rang true with me.  I feel like my most important job, the one that I pour my entire self into, is raising these precious children.  It is a monumentally important task.  One that I treasure and take very seriously.

Brad and I have been praying about homeschooling the children for the past two years.  We were both raised in public school and loved it and always thought that is what we would do with our children.  And then we had children.  And you know all of those times when you say, "Oh, I would never do....".  Well, just go ahead and do those things because you will end up eating those words.  Especially the ones you said about your children before you had children and the kind of parent you would be before you were a parent.  Just trust me on this.  I speak from extensive experience.  It's a high horse I fell from.

Anyhow, we've decided to homeschool them.  I know, I know!  I'm shocked too!  I mean, we bought our current house because of it's proximity to the elementary school.  But the Lord changed our hearts.  I'm excited and scared but KNOW this is what the Lord wants us to do for the coming school year.  I do not know if we will always homeschool.  It may not work out for us.  I may not like teaching or the kids might not like me teaching them.  But for now, this is the direction the Lord has led us in and we are totally walking by faith and trusting Him to guide us through this.

A week or so ago I was on a walk and using that time to pray.  I asked the Lord for complete confirmation on the homeschooling thing.  I knew at the time, and even told my Mom later that night, that I probably shouldn't have prayed that because of how that prayer could potentially be answered.  The next morning I got all the confirmation I needed and then some.  I dropped James off at school and what happened next is too hurtful and private to share here.  Needless to say, all of those feelings of insecurity, of being a failure as a mother, of all the pain I had been carrying around for the past month, were met head on in one of the ugliest confrontations I've ever had.  And it happened in my son's pre-school.  How unfortunate.  I don't know that I am a confrontational person as much as I just won't run away from it if it needs to happen.  And when my children are involved, I will come out swinging.

Needless to say...the Lord used an ugly, horrible situation to confirm to us that He wants us to homeschool this fall.  And I will be very careful how I pray in the future.

I read this on the Focus On The Family website:
Know the fine line between being a protective parent and being overprotective.  Your child should feel safe but shouldn't be so insecure as to never want to be alone.  Shielding unpleasant situations is part of a parent's responsibility, but children also must have the freedom to learn from their experiences and mistakes.

The trials of the past month have not been limited to parenting.  The Lord has also been working on other areas of my life and it has been painful.  I guess it always is.  I can try to find some pretty way to tie it up into a neat little holy package but I just don't have it in me right now.  It's been a hard month and I'm not over it yet.  And I don't know that the trial is over yet either.  There may be more to come.  Who knows?  But I can say this...the Lord has shown us very clear paths to take and we are grateful for that.  I am so thankful for my precious patient husband who has had to listen to me cry numerous times over this past month and has stood like a rock beside me.  Sometimes behind me holding me up and pushing me on.  He is 100% in this parenting gig with me and digs in beside me as we try to figure it all out.  My children are so blessed to have a Daddy like Brad.  And I am even more blessed to have him for a husband.

Those moments when I've locked myself in the bathroom and begged the Lord through tears to help me through the day....when I've felt like anyone else in the world would do a better job raising these children than me...when I've looked at myself, or my children and feel like a total failure...the Lord has been there, allowing it.  Out of nothing but love because He is too loving to ever do anything unkind.  I am unsure what it will yield.  I may have to go around this mountain again.  But I do know that what He allows is for my good.  And I want what is good. 

James has realized that if he wakes up early and sneaks out of his room without waking up Jude, he will find me in the living room drinking coffee and reading my bible and praying.  If he's quiet I will let him sit with me then we will have breakfast together.  It is a precious few moments of the morning....before the chaos of the day begins....and we both treasure it.  One morning he was late.  Finally I heard his bedroom door open and I heard the little footsteps coming quickly down the hall.  To my shock it was Jude!  He's never up first!  He came and snuggled in beside me and I soaked up those few quiet sleepy moments with him.  But I knew what was to come.  Several minutes later I heard James creeping quietly down the hall.  He tip-toed around the corner with his big sweet smile and prepared to crawl up beside me....oblivious to the fact that his spot was already occupied.  Then the morning fog cleared and he saw Jude.  His face fell and he broke down in tears, lamenting dramatically about how Jude had ruined everything.  I couldn't help but laugh which only broke his heart more.  I don't know that the day improved at all from that point on.  But it did make me wonder if the Lord sees my tears this way.  With James' situation, I could see the bigger picture.  It's all going to be ok.  It's just a few moments in the morning.  Don't get so upset about it.  There's always tomorrow.  My heart hurt for him because I could see his disappointment over something he loves...but I could also see that the situation didn't merit the amount of emotional distress he devoted to it.  The Lord sees the bigger picture when I don't.  His ways are infinitely higher than my ways. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

But here is what I do know.  When it comes to all of this...I can't lose hope.  I can't lose faith.  I can't lose courage.  I can't give up.  I can't throw in the towel.  Too much is at stake.  I must keep to Christ.  I will dig in my heels and do the best I can and pray that is enough.