Dear Jude

This time four years ago I was in the midst of the most painful labor of my life.  And I'd do it all again, a million times over.  You were born at 12:36 am.  I had worried that I wouldn't be able to love another baby as much but I was so so wrong.  My heart grew when you were born.  I fell head over heels in love.

 

My goodness you were a tiny little thing!  But what you lacked in size you made up for in cuteness.  And you were an easy baby.  For the first little bit...

Six months later you changed our lives again.  Those were hard days.  But we grew.  If I hadn't already loved you with all I had, I loved you then more fiercely.  We fought your cancer together.  It brought us all closer together. 

You showed us what tough looks like.  You amazed me then and you amaze me still.  Every day.  

Your smile.  I can't get enough of you.

 

Watching you grow up is a joy.  You have such a unique way of doing things and looking at life.  So many times, when I watch you, I want to know what it's like inside of your head.  You are complex.  I love the way you do things.  I could sit and watch your expressive face and mannerisms all day long.  You do the cutest things.

I often say that you are a cowboy to your very core.  It is so deeply ingrained in you.  You are the real deal.  Since before you could even walk you would put on James' boots.  You wore his boots out so we figured we should get you your own.  You've worn out every pair since then.  You wear your boots with your shorts, pajamas, swimsuit, and sometimes with nothing else at all. 

You've always wanted to be a "boo boo doctor".  That makes sense after all you've been through.  You will be the best doctor too. I love that you are adamant about being a doctor.  You've never changed.  Since before you could even talk you would carry around your doctor kit and wear your tiny scrubs.  Some of your first words were, "boo boo docta".  I am sure of two things...you are a cowboy and you will be a doctor.

So today, and every day, I celebrate you Jude.  I always say that I will celebrate your birthday with much gratefulness, zeal and joy because we were so close to not getting to celebrate these days with you at all.

You steal my heart every day, Sweet Jude.  When I whisper to you, "do you know that you are my favorite?" (as I do to all of you), you confidently say, "Yes, yes I do!"  When you sneak out of bed to come snuggle with me, I melt.  You are the very best snuggler.  If I forget to say our special words before bedtime, you will remind me by saying, "Baby be, Mommy!" Your prayers are the best.  They are very long and I'm not exactly sure what you are saying some of the time because it's so very quiet, but I know it is heartfelt and goes straight to the Lord's ears.  I think you have a direct line.  When you fall or get hurt, I love how you stick up your little finger and say, "I'm alwite!" You are extremely protective of your "brudder" and sissy.  I love that.  You are a very faithful friend.  How did you get so good at so much in 4 short years.  If you've done this much in 4 years...I can't wait to see what the rest of this life has for you.  Or what you have for it.

As I finish this post it is exactly 12:36 am on the dot.  Happy birthday my precious one. I can't wait to celebrate this day with you!  I love you forever.